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What can be done with this poem I wrote? It needs something else but what? I know the meter needs work.?
It seemed my love lanquished here
inside a broken heart
that pined for you drowning in a tear,
so foolish at the start.
While lovers played with moonlight kisses
my lips were left without.
Pray, take heed to my nocternal wishes,
I relinquished my fears and came about.
Your winsome smile I longed to see
to brighten up my day.
How sad the ghosts of your memory seemed
when they had to go away.
Away into that dark recess of my pitiful, anguished mind
because you know,
I thought it best not to think of your uncaring kind.
Like an evil wind that carelessly blows,
you sought to taunt my soul
with a heart of a jackal your story goes
to try to trick me and leave me with a hole.
Did I let you enter?
Did I let you in?
No, I froze like winter.
What you tried will surely end.
This is a rough draft and I'm going to fix the meter. Is there anything you see that I could change here that I don't see? I'm having a time with this poem!
I don't think the meter will be too hard to smooth out and then when that's is accomplished, repost for suggestions. It seems very much like a complete story, told with clarity and poignancy. The end is a bit rushed and abrupt, just compared with the rest of the poem. You might want to add something to describe the wonderful line "no I froze like winter". I think it is a wonderful rough draft. Thank you.
Winsome End / Night Table 81115